An Epic(demic) Series

Quote of the Day:
"I still love him." - Meagan McAllister, fiancee of Philip Markoff, the alleged "Craigslist Killer". Apparently she is ok with the robbing and murder of strippers.


Swine Flu!
by Conor Levis

The fast-spreading virus that is taking the world by storm. Health officials announced today that they aren't exactly ready to declare this a "pandemic", but the pandemic alert has been raised from a level 3 to a level 4. This means that it's just now been classified as a human-to-human transmitted virus that can cause community level outbreaks...as if we didn't already know this. I guess the whole thing with the hundreds of people dying in Mexico and the 64 cases here in the US wasn't enough evidence. Anyway, since this is a serious health concern, here are some fun facts about the swine flu.

- It really isn't even a "swine flu". The actual name of this virus is the H1N1. It's a new strain of type A influenza that derives from human influenza, avian influenza (bird flu), and two seperate strains of swine influenza. In other words...they've never seen anything like it before. I'm still going to call it swine flu though because it's fun to say.

-Swine flu is rare in humans because the virus rarely mutates into a form that passes through humans. That's why they are so baffled with this new outbreak.

-You can't actually get the swine flu from eating pork. At this point it's just something that is being transmitted by humans. Too bad nobody told Egypt before they slaughtered 300,000 pigs for precautionary measures. Poor piggies. Atleast we can take solace in the fact that they are probably considered martyrs over there and died noble deaths.

-Some of the suggested names thrown out there to rename this virus that have off the charts comedic value: "The Mexican Virus" (which of course Mexicans protested, those bastards), "Porkulosis", "The other White Flu", and then my personal favorite..."Bacon Lung"!

There really isn't much else to say. It's just a shame that this whole thing happened because Joakim Noah was having sex with pigs over in Mexico. Just a selfish act all around. All I know is if you haven't been feeling well lately, please stay the fuck away from me! Thanks.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures"

A Series for the Ages
by Conor Levis

"Not again". Those were the words I uttered as I watched Ben Gordon hit a game-tying three with 9 seconds left in Game 4 on Sunday. The shot that forced double overtime. It was yet another clutch shot in what has already become a remarkable first round series. For anybody who watched the game, you know what happened next. That single basket sucked the life out of the Celtics and the Bulls ended up winning the game. At the time I was furious. I couldn't believe that a commanding 3-1 series lead for the Celtics could slip away just like that. I thought about what the team could have done better. Would the outcome have been different had Paul Pierce not missed a free throw? What if "Big Baby" Davis hadn't missed three easy layups? What happened to Rajon Rondo in the two overtime periods after playing so well for the first four quarters? I pondered these things over and over but after a while it didn't seem to matter anymore. Why? Because it was a great game. The more I thought about those things, the more I began to understand the greatness of what I was witnessing. Through four games in this first round series, there had already been 2 overtime games (one double overtime) and a game that was won with a last second shot in regulation...and we were still guarranteed atleast two more games!

By Monday morning, I couldn't wait to see what these two teams had in store for a pivotal Game 5 on Tuesday night. Boy, did they deliver. In another OT thriller the Celtics pulled out a 106-104 victory behind some late game heroics by the captain. With it, this officially became the greatest first round series in playoff history. It's had it all from thrilling games and clutch play...even a little controvery. You have subplots like how Kendrick Perkins has stepped up in the absence of Kevin Garnett, how Joakim Noah has established himself as the league's number 1 hustle guy/instigator for the next decade, how Ray Allen and Ben Gordon have shown they are cold-blooded assasins when it comes to making big shots. The best part of this series though is the emergence of two young point guards, Rajon Rondo and Derrick Rose. Rondo has been averaging a triple-double for the series with 24, 10, and 10. Derrick Rose tied an NBA record for points in a playoff debut and has been nothing short of spectacular all series long. Not only have they been the most important players on the floor for their respective teams, but we might also have an individual rivalry in the making for years to come. It's been a long time since we've seen two point guards go head to head at the level these two are playing at. It's been unbelievable to watch and has made this series THAT much better.

"Rondo and Rose could be a rivalry in the making"

And of course, you can't say enough about Paul Pierce. He's been the team's best player and the most clutch performer all season long. Although he's looked sluggish at times, he came through when it mattered most in Game 5. With Ray Allen fouled out of the game, he put the team on his back like a true captain...and drained 4 straight jumpers in John Salmon's grill from the same exact spot. The Celtics will only go as far as Pierce takes them. This series is not over yet...even up 3 games to 2 against an inferior team. The way this series has gone, I'm prepared for anything. That's a good thing. Because we don't realize it now but we are watching history in the making. It's gonna be exciting to see how history will remember this epic first round matchup. I'm just happy to be a witness to it all.

"Pierce hit four of these jumpers to lead the Celtics to victory"

Hot Bitch of the Day:

Miss Piggy

For the record, Miss Piggy does NOT have the Swine Flu virus. Mainly because there is no such thing as Human-Puppet transmission. But she is a babe in my book. Did Kermit ever hit that? I bet he wishes he did now because Miss Piggy is Hot Bitch of the Day!

The Summer of Lebron

Today is a special day for a few reasons. Today was the birthday of Samuel Morse, the creator of the single wire telegraph system and Morse code! Where the hell would this country be without Morse code? I wouldn't have even known it was today if it weren't for Google. I love Google. Today was also the birthday of former U.S. President and war hero, Ulysses S. Grant. Poor Ulysses...the man was never the same after the Panic of 1873. And Black Friday. And the Sanborn Incident. I'd keep going if I didn't think Ulysses was rolling over in his grave right now.

On a lighter note, it's also NBA Hall of Famer George Gervin's birthday and he's actually alive! Happy Birthday to "The Iceman"! And for comedic reasons, I should mention that today is World Graphic Design Day. I would tell you more but I don't even think the people who created this fake holiday know what they're celebrating. So if you know a graphic design major or someone in that profession, make sure you tell them how much you appreciate them today. It's the least you could do.

"The Iceman's offensive game was silky smooth and one of the best in NBA History."

Today's Random Thought from Conor

Gotta love a guy who keeps a pen on him at all times. I encountered one at a restaurant the other night while getting takeout. I was patiently waiting in line, seeming to mind my own business but really watching the transaction that was taking place in front of me. The person in front of me paid by credit card but as the cashier went to hand him a pen, he quickly pushed it away and whipped out his own. I thought to myself "Now here's a guy who's always prepared. Here's a guy who's got it all figured out." Think of how many situations you're in when you need a pen but don't have one. It happens to me quite often. This guy was prepared for any situation thrown at him. I think from now on I'll do the same.

"A man with a plan."

NBA Playoffs Preview
by Conor Levis

I figured now that every first round series is already either 3 or 4 games in, I would share my picks for the NBA playoffs. I promise to give what my original predictions were, regardless of how the series have played out so far.

Eastern Conference
First Round

1) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. 8) Detroit Pistons
Lebron and the Cavs are on a mission and Detroit has been a disaster all season long, still feeling the effects of the Billups-Iverson trade. By the way, gotta love the way the Pistons covered up Iverson's obvious behind the scenes blowup with a fake injury. Can you remember another trade of All-Star players that had such an opposite effect on the teams involved? I can't either. We'll be seeing a lot of this from King James in this series, although without as much on the line. Get the brooms out.
Prediction: Cavs in 4

2) Boston Celtics vs. 7) Chicago Bulls
Of the three bottom seeds in the Eastern Conference, the Bulls were the one team that could give the Celtics trouble with their first round matchup. And thanks to Chicago laying an absolute stinker at home to Toronto on the last day of the regular season, the Bulls fell out of the 6 seed and into the 7 spot, while Philadelphia (the easiest opponent for the Celtics) moved up into the 6th. Here is why this series scares me as a Celtics fan...what is the worst possible matchup for an aging, injured, and exhausted veteran club (the Celtics)? A young, athletic team that seems to be hitting their stride at the right time (the Bulls). The single biggest mismatch in this series, size in the front court, works in Chicago's favor. The Celtics will have to rely heavily on Kendrick Perkins and Glen "Big Baby" Davis in the absence of Kevin Garnett and Leon Powe. The Bulls will have a clear advantage on the boards and in the paint defensively with Joakim Noah, Brad Miller, and Tyrus Thomas. In the end though, I'll take the veteran leadership and Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Rajon Rondo (3 of the 4 best players in this series). The champs will prevail in a tough series.
Prediction: Celtics in 6

3) Orlando Magic vs. 6) Philadelphia 76ers
Had the Sixers drawn the Celtics I'd say that series would be over in 5. But I like how they match up with Orlando. They can somewhat neutralize Dwight Howard inside and they have guys who can defend the perimeter, a must if you want to stop the Magic's shooters. Plus, Andre Iguodala has shown that he can win a game down the stretch. Philly might be able to steal a game or two and make this an interesting series, but the Magic are just flat out better.
Prediction: Magic in 6

4) Atlanta Hawks vs. 5) Miami Heat
I think this will be the most exciting first round series in the East. You have the best player in the NBA Not Named Lebron in Dwayne Wade going against a talented and deep Hawks team that plays very well at home. These teams are close to evenly matched in my opinion and I have a feeling it would be in the league's best interest to have a Wade vs. Lebron second round matchup. If anyone can make it happen, it's David Stern. But the Hawks are slightly better and the home court is going to be the difference in this series.
Prediction: Hawks in 7


2nd Round

1) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. 4) Atlanta Hawks
The one team that could put a scare into the Cavs. The Hawks are athletic enough to create some matchup problems in this one. Josh Smith will fearlessly challenge every James drive to the basket. But as long as Lebron is playing like a man possessed, Cleveland will cruise into the ECF.
Prediction: Cavs in 6

2) Boston Celtics vs. 3) Orlando Magic
The Celtics are in for another long series with this matchup. The Celts played the Magic very tough this season without KG, both games coming down to the final possession. The problem is that they don't have an answer inside for Dwight Howard. The one thing I've noticed about this Magic team though is that they lack a killer instinct. Howard tends to disappear in big moments and Stan Van Gundy has officially proven himself as "The Master of Panic" in close games. Not to mention Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu are not 100%. With all the focus on how the Celtics are going to contain Howard, I'm asking who on that Orlando team is going to stop the Boston backcourt of Rondo, Allen, and Pierce? The Celtics have too much heart, will make one last stand in the title defense, and will pull this one out at Home in a game 7.
Prediction: Celtics in 7

Eastern Conference Finals

1) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Boston Celtics
This is where the Celtics run comes to an end. Should KG come back and play in this series it might be a different story. But since it's unclear at this point if he will...I have to go with the obvious choice. Lebron will not be denied in this series as last season is surely going to be fresh on his mind. You simply can't ask Paul Pierce to carry this team offensively and then guard Lebron for 7 games. Not after the energy that will be expended in the two series prior to this one. All of the games played in the last year will start to take a toll on the Celtics and the Cavs will take this one with relative ease.
Prediction: Cavs in 6


Western Conference

1) Los Angeles Lakers vs. 8) Utah Jazz
This is not a normal 1-8 matchup because of the potential on that Utah team. This is the team that gave LA all they could handle in the postseason last year. But Carlos Boozer is banged up and not playing nearly as well as he was at this point last season. Although I believe the Jazz can win a couple because of their great home crowd and point guard advantage with Deron Williams, Kobe and the Lakers prevail.
Prediction: Lakers in 5

2) Denver Nuggets vs. 7) New Orleans Hornets
This is the best first round matchup in the West and a great PG matchup with Chauncey Billups and Chris Paul. I just love everything I've seen from Denver this year, the Billups trade completely transformed the complexion of the team. New Orleans is clearly better than a 7 seed but there's a reason they are in that slot. They seemed to have quit on Byron Scott. I'll take the team that hasn't quit on their coach.
Prediction: Nuggets in 6

3) San Antonio Spurs vs. 6) Dallas Mavericks
The Spurs are old, undermanned, and seem to be on their last legs. With Manu Ginobbli out, I just don't see it this season. Tim Duncan and Tony Parker can't do it alone. The Mavs are too deep for the Spurs in this series but it doesn't mean they won't go out fighting.
Prediction: Mavs in 7

4) Portland Trail Blazers vs. 5) Houston Rockets
This should be a real fun series to watch. I love this Portland team and Brandon Roy has turned into an assasin in crunch time. But Houston has played extremely well and with a lot of heart since Tracy McGrady went down for the year. The X-Factor in this series is Yao Ming. He will ultimately decide the fate of the Rockets. Portland has no answer for the big man but will he show up or fold under pressure?
Prediction: Rockets in 7

2nd Round

1) Los Angeles Lakers vs. 5) Houston Rockets
This would be a very interesting matchup. The Rockets have two great perimeter defenders in Ron Artest and Shane Battier who could make life tough for Kobe in this series. When it comes down to it though, the Lakers just have too many weapons. I think Trevor Ariza plays a big role in this series win.
Prediction: Lakers in 6

2) Denver Nuggets vs. 6) Dallas Mavericks
In the playoffs when you have two teams as evenly matched as these two are, it comes down to which team has the guy who will step up when it matters most. I'm not entirely sure that Dirk Nowitzki has fully recovered psychologically from not just the 2006 NBA Finals, but also the 2007 choke job against the 8 seeded Golden State Warriors. Chauncey Billups was dubbed "Mr. Big Shot" for a reason. He's been here before and he has been nothing less than spectacular all season long, bringing out the best in guys like Kenyon Martin and JR Smith. He and Carmelo Anthony will come up big in this series.
Prediction: Nuggets in 6


Western Conference Finals

1) Los Angeles Lakers vs. 2) Denver Nuggets
This one has been decided for a while now. The Lakers were the best team in the West all season long and by a good margin. There's a reason for that. No team is more balanced and no team has more to prove after what happened to them last June. That's the way they've played all season. It's going to pay off because Kobe, Pau Gasol, and Co. are going back to the Finals.
Prediction: Lakers in 7

NBA Finals

1) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. 1) Los Angeles Lakers
It's the matchup the NBA has wanted all along. It only seems like destiny now. Much like Boston and LA last season, who isn't going to watch Lebron vs. Kobe? There's more than just one title on the line here if you catch my drift. There's bragging rights and the best-in-game debate will be settled once and for all.

Lebron James has been the NBA's best player. It was one of the most dominant individual seasons ever and he's played with a passion that we haven't seen in this league for a long time. It's just been his year and he's not going to stop until the goal is reached.

Prediction: Cavs in 7

Finals MVP: Lebron James

"It's just been his year."

"I'd bet a million dollars on DOOM against Lil' Wayne"

Today is Earth Day, the day intended for everyone to show their appreciation of mother nature. There are a couple reasons to love Earth day...first being that it gives us another excuse to smoke what this great Earth gave us (not that we need a reason to, but atleast it feels like we're being productive at the same time). Another reason is that many schools across the country are putting our young kids to work outdoors today for the occasion...which is always a good thing considering how lazy the younger generations are (including mine but that's beside the point). Even President Obama gave his approval...in his own way. I guess what I'm saying is, do your part today if you can. Help delay the pollution of our Earth before it's inevitably destroyed anyway. That is all. Happy Earth Day!

"Nothing says Earth Day like kids being productive"

Today's Random Thought
from Conor

Have you ever noticed that the Emergency Alert System cable test is always activated at the worst possible time? For example, tonight an EAS test went off during the Jazz-Lakers playoff game right after Carlos Boozer scored to cut what was once a 15 point fourth quarter Laker lead to just 3 points with 3 minutes remaining. When the game came back on the Lakers had gone back up by 5 and had the ball with 2 minutes left. I had no idea what happened. Also, lately it seems to come on right before the most important scene of a show or movie. If these weekly "tests" are scheduled then why do they pick a time when a big game or a hit show is on? Why couldn't they just run the test during Molly Shannon's piece of shit show Kath and Kim every week? We know that everyone is just waiting for The Office and 30 Rock at that point anyway. Why do we even have it? It's only been activated once in the last ten years...and that one time was by mistake. It wasn't even activated on September 11, so what is it good for? I say absolutely nothing. It just ruins our viewing experience. Let's get rid of it once and for all...and Molly Shannon too while we're at it.

DOOM released a new album!?
by Conor Levis

Yup, everybody's favorite masked rapper is at it again. The underground legend quietly released Born Like This on March 24, 2009, the 5th album under his "MF DOOM" alias, only dropping the MF for this one and strictly going by "DOOM". My friend Kyle and I talked about it the other day but for those who don't know him, DOOM is what Lil' Wayne tries to be. He's dope as fuck and comes up with the most hilarious, illest punchlines and metaphors you'll ever hear.

I was kind of surprised when I saw this new release because I hadn't heard anything about it and really didn't even know this album was in the works. Needless to say, I grabbed it ASAP and have been listening for the last two weeks. In my opinion it's his best work to date...outside of the classic album, Madvillainy. Definitely as far as his solo projects go. My favorite track is "Lightworks", a little biased because he uses J Dilla's "Lightworks" beat off of Donuts which is one of my favorite beats ever. Another track to note is "Batty Boyz" which is a diss song about Batman and Robin. Name another rapper that records a diss track about a fictional superhero? That's why DOOM is the fucking man.

Here's a sick video of Mos Def praising MF DOOM and spitting DOOM lines, found courtesy of Rick:



I love the part at 1:45 where he says "I'd bet a million dollars on DOOM against Lil' Wayne", pretty much echoing what my friend and I talked about. And that's coming from one of the greatest rappers to do it. Also at 2:50, "That's why him and Ghost are together", referring to how Ghostface Killah, who in my opinion is one of the 20 greatest rappers of all-time, of Wu-Tang is now collaborating with DOOM because of how dope he is.

So if you support real Hip-Hop, go out and get the album. Just remember ALL CAPS when you spell the man's name.


Hot Bitch of the Day:

Meagan Good

You might remember her as Nina from Cousin Skeeter. Well, she's all grown up, lost the braces and is smokin' hot. Now she spends her time making cameos in movies and music videos. She's like Disney World...I always wanted to do her when I was 10 and I'd still do her today. She looks Good and she's Hot Bitch of the Day!

KG

Today's Random Thought from Conor

One of the best things from a night of heavy drinking is the morning after. I'm not talking about the hangover, of course. I'm talking about the hilarious things you find or the little reminders, particularly in the phone, on how drunk you really were. This past weekend had a ton of funny situations and exchanges including, among other things, a fifteen minute phone conversation with an ex-girlfriend about god knows what. I also met a girl at the bar the other night named Danielle but was so drunk, when I got her number I put her name in my phone as "Danheelek Bryan R". It looked right at the time but I was confused the next morning when I got a text from "Danheelek". Gotta love the state of inebriation. Speaking of bars, I've decided that I need an accountant when I go out from now on. Let's just say I dropped a lot of money this weekend. Designated drivers should have multiple roles. From now on, my DD's will be handling my DB's (dollar bills) and prevent me from breaking my budget. We need a name for this.



The KG Situation
by Conor Levis

There are days throughout a lifetime that a person will always remember. Moments where you can recall exactly where you were and what you were doing when it happened. Sometimes they're things in a life, other times a world issue or even a sports issue. I'll always remember my first kiss...and the night I lost my virginity. The times I lost a loved one... and the times I greeted a new life. Like many Americans, I remember where I was on September 11, the Oklahoma City bombing, and the OJ Simpson verdict. The night my Red Sox broke an 86 year curse, the Sunday the Patriots shocked the world, and the first Celtics title of my lifetime. I remember exactly what I was doing on July 31, 2007 when I heard Kevin Garnett was traded to the Celtics. And now that it was announced it's likely Garnett will miss the entire 2009 Postseason, you can add another one to the list.

For Celtics fans, this news is sort of like a bad Dramamine trip...we're not sure if it's real or not, but it's really, really scary. It's not just because the Celtics will be without their anchor in the pursuit to defend the title. It goes beyond that. For many fans like myself, winning the championship last year should have been enough. Isn't winning a title the only thing that matters anyway? But after a 62 win season, the way the team has taken on and relished being the champs, and the sweet memories of last season, it's hard not to want more. Especially given that our three superstars aren't getting any younger. The window of opportunity is constantly shrinking which makes a lost season like this one that much more painful for fans. If KG really is out for the entire postseason and the Celtics don't succeed, we will always wonder 'what if'. And in sports, there's nothing worse than that phrase. Am I giving up on this Celtics team? Absolutely not. I stuck with the team through thick and thin and will not give up now. There's still enough talent to make another championship run. I've seen Paul Pierce lead this team time and time again and people forget the playoff runs he used to make with some mediocre Celtics teams earlier this decade. The problem is that Pierce has miles on him at age 31, it would be nearly impossible for him to carry the workload in a 7 game series with Lebron James. Let's face it...without the team's anchor, the 'ship is alot more distant than it was before (that was a great play on words, just admit it). This isn't even what bothers me most...

"Have we seen the end of the Big Ticket?"

What bothers me most is the way the whole situation was handled. We were told for months that KG would be returning. We even saw him back on the court for a handful games after the initial injury. All signs pointed to Garnett being ready for the playoffs, which fans were led to believe by the organization. That's why most of us were blindsided by this new revelation. You have to give the Celtics organization credit for keeping the news as secretive as they did. Looking back now, we all should have seen it coming. Anytime a timetable was set for Garnett's return, it was pushed back by weeks. We were given specific dates when he would be back...and he never came. When I watched the final game of the regular season and didn't see KG after I was told he would play, I knew something was up. Even after I heard the news, I didn't believe it. I still believed we would see Garnett later this postseason if we made a run and part of me still wants to. Until I read this in the Boston Herald the other day.

We never even knew the extent of the injury. As far as we knew there was no ligament or structural damage. Nothing that would require surgery and nothing that would keep Garnett out for a long period of time. That's what makes all of this scary. If they had come out with a diagnosis and a surgical plan, I would feel a whole lot better about this. The fact that he's missing all this time without a known diagnosis leads me to believe there's a deeper problem. Maybe his knees are just giving out. The man has played in over 1,000 NBA games without missing significant time in any season. Playing with the level of intensity he does every night, maybe he wore him self down. A person of his stature (7'0") carrying that weight up and down the floor night in and night out...at some point it has to catch up with him. And I think that maybe it has. Celtics fans should worry about Garnett not only for this season, but for the rest of his career. I can live with an injury. We knew after bringing in two aging superstars that injuries were a serious possibilty. But not when we start talking about career. As my favorite writer said in a column earlier this week, "When the knees go, they go. That's just the law of the NBA. It's as simple as that."

So excuse me if you thought I was being a little extreme at the beginning of this article. I really hope that my gut is wrong, that this will be a time I won't have to remember. I still have faith in the Celtics this postseason. I want to believe that Garnett will atleast be ok by next season. I just can't shake the feeling that we've seen the end of an era that hadn't even really taken off yet...

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

Vol. 1
by Rick Welsch

This is the first installment of what more than likely will be a long list of people who annoy me. Sorry if you fall into one of these groups of people.

1) People who jump on the dick of some underground rapper cause hes underground right now but has all same characteristics of all of the mainstream rappers so its both safe and edgy to like them. Also these people pretend like knowing these fake underground rapper gives them indie cred, although most of them know not of any of the legends. Oh... and btw, Asher Roth is in no way, shape, or form cool. Just in case you were wondering.

Terrible "Underground" Rapper
Real "Underground" Rapper
Another Real Guy
Legend
Legend

2) People who look like this. And if you don't think these guys look like douche bags chances are you would hang out with this guy.

Trust me more volumes will come.

Hot Bitch of the Day
Olivia MunnShe hosts this show on G4 called "Attack of the Show". I don't know much about the show other than the fact shes really hot and on there 420 edition that I just was watching at 4 am she went to like Jamaica and drank a mushroom tea. Thats cool in my book. Olivia Munn, you are the hot bitch of the day!

Puff puff pass

Happy 4/20! from Conor

I thought we'd give you a special holiday post today for all my pot smokers out there. There isn't much I can write about because I don't want to lose our advertisements, but I will give you some of the best music and albums you can listen to when you're high. Everyone knows that the 60's was the greatest music era for this stuff, so I put together a playlist of my favorite smoking songs from the 60's. Light up the spliffs and enjoy....I know I will.

Conor's favorite smoking songs:

1. Eight Miles High by The Byrds - The rickenbacker guitar, harmonized vocals, and obscure lyrics makes this song my favorite. It all makes perfect sense when you're high. The alternate version they wouldn't allow on the album is even more trippy.

2. Flying High by Country Joe and the Fish

3. Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles

Who doesn't like ninjas...

By: Goulet

The last few posts have been wordy, so I figured that I would give all your reading skills a rest.

Here are a series of one minute flicks that my boys made. Starring Dylan Frisina, directed by Shane Suski and narrated by Donnie "almost Sam J" Simmons, here are the stories of this university's sacred guardian...

Hot Bitch of the Day:
Kate Beckinsale

She's hot,she was sleeping with Adam Sandler in Click and she's british. I don't think there will be an argument on this one...

From a Fake Canadian...

Over the past few months, we have all been intrigued by the words of two of the greatest men to grace this earth. We cheered when Rick was blessed to see Vampire Weekend, we got emotionally attached to the life and times of Conor "The Sex Machine" Levis and we have been shot down to tears with their Hot Bitch of the Day. But, I know all of you have been asking yourself, "When am I going to see a hockey post from these great minds?"

Well, help is on the way...

The NHL Playoff Predictions

By: Goulet

(That's right! Matt Goulet has finally found time to make you all appreciate the sport of kings.)

This past year in the NHL was filled with plenty of great games, amazing stories and plenty of George Parros. It was really a great year to be a hockey fan. We saw teams like Washington, Detroit and San Jose live up to the hype and cruise to the top of their respected divisions. We saw the downfall of teams like Dallas and Ottawa. Both projected to be towards the top, but ended up in the lottery bowl. And, then we saw the surprise teams, like Columbus and Boston, shock all the experts and play well above potential.

All this leads us into the playoffs, where all the stats and records don't matter anymore. Even though the past few years have been completely unpredictable in the playoffs (Edmonton made it to the finals without someone named Wayne or Messier?), I am going to do my best to predict what will actually happen so you guys don't have to watch it (well, lets be honest, not too many of you watch it, either way).

Eastern Conference

First Round

#1 Boston Bruins vs. #8 Montreal Canadiens

Once again, hockey's biggest rivalry has met again in the first round. This year though, we swap positions as the Bruins come in as the top seed in the conference. Montreal has dealt with a lot this year, including a new coach, mafia speculations and the threat of Celine Dion owning the team next year. Boston, on the other hand, has been on cruise control ever since the Dallas game in November, which sparked a 17 game home winning streak and rocketed them to the top. Montreal may threaten the Bruins, but barely.

Bruins in 5

#2 Washington Capitals vs. #7 New York Rangers

This is one intriguing match-up. Washington has one of the most explosive offensives in hockey, lead by 8 the great and Mike Green. The one thing they lack, though is defense. Yes, Green can score, but when he misses the net, he forgets how to back-check. The Rangers are on the other side of the spectrum. Players like Scott Gomez and Chris Drury have been known for years as defensive leaders on the ice and, along with a solid core of blue liners, they can threaten any superstar forward. The Key to this series will be goaltending. Jose Theodore is not the same goalie he was in 2003, when he won the Vezina, but does have experience in the playoffs. Henrik Lundquist really needs to be on top of his game for the entire series, and I think he will. Always remember the #1 rule of hockey; Offense sells tickets, Avery steals games.

Rangers in 7

#3 New Jersey Devils vs. #6 Carolina Hurricanes

Carolina comes into the playoffs hot as of late. The play of Ray Whitney and Eric Staal along with the resurrection of Erik Cole's career really make some teams in the East kind of nervous. Too bad New Jersey has some guy named Brodeur back...

Devils in 5

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers

Another big rivalry. The cross-penn rivalry has come back again this year, this time in the first round. Pittsburgh comes in packing some heavy hitters like Sid the kid and Evgeni Malkin. Philly got some too named Scott Hartnell and Jeff Carter. Pitt may not have Marian Hossa and Ryan Malone this year, but now they got Bill Guerin to fill in. They also got the better goalie in Marc-Andre Fleury, and I think that will go a long ways.

Cute Birds in 6

Semi Finals

#1 Boston Bruins vs. #7 New York Rangers

Here is a series that has the potential to be one to watch. Sean Avery has found a way to get inside the Bruins heads all year, with but has yet to win against him. He will pull off some more antics in this original six series, but Boston has been able to put players like him to the side all year (see Mike Komisarek and Steve Ott). Tim Thomas must stay sharp in this series, and the young guns like Krejci and Kessel have to put some pucks on Lundquist. If they do those two things, along with capitalizing when Avery gets in the box, they should have no problem

Bruins in 6

#3 New Jersey Devils vs. #4 Pittsburgh Penguins

The Atlantic's top two teams face off in a battle of offense vs. defense. The big two in Pittsburgh will need to be at the top of their games to get past the big guys swarming the Jersey blue line. But, for Jersey to win here, Zach Parise needs to show the league why he is one of the top young scorers in the league. When that happens, the igloo will begin to melt.

Devils in 7

Finals

#1 Boston Bruins vs. #3 New Jersey Devils

I'll be honest, I have been wanting to see this match-up since the beginning of the year. Both teams play a similar style of hockey. They use their defensive skills to make offensive chances and both love to spread the wealth around. Plus, we see a great goaltending battle between Timmy and Marty. But Boston has one thing New Jersey doesn't; a great special teams unit. That will carry the B's back to the big stage for the first time since 1991.

Bruins in 7

Western Conference
First Round

#1 San Jose Sharks vs. #8 Anaheim Ducks

The California rivalry. North vs. South. Fineness vs. Strength. Setoguchi vs. Getzlaf (couldn't you see those two being Pokemon names...). This series is going to be a lot closer than most think. The Ducks are a rough-and-tough team who relies on their top lines for points and the bottoms to clean up the garbage. This is the type of team who can slow up the skills of Sharks players like Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau. But, the key player who will determine this series is Sharks forward Ryane Clowe. Watch for him to counteract the birdies.
Sharks in 7

#2 Detroit Red Wings vs. #7 Columbus Blue Jackets

The Wings come in as heavy favorites, and for good reason. The playmaking skills of Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetteberg and Marian Hossa will lead this team in the series. Yes, the play of rookie goalie Steve Mason has been terrific but, let me remind you, he is just a rookie. He can't carry this lackluster team too far.
Red Wings in 4

#3 Vancouver Canucks vs. #6 St. Louis Blues.

St. Louis is another one of those great stories coming out this year. Through all their injuries and mishaps, the team has still found a way to make it this far. Goalie Chris Mason went from bad to good in the span of three months, and also helped guide the team to this point. Vancouver, though, will test him, and a lot. The twins Sedin work well together and, for the first time, are on a threatening team in the playoff. With help from Roberto Luongo in net, this will be a cake walk.
Canucks in 5

#4 Chicago Blackhawks vs. #5 Calgary Flames

Everyone seems to like the youth of the Hawks here. Patrick Kane and Johnathan Toews have lead the young team to a great season and hope to carry the momentum into the postseason. The only problem is, Calgary is good. I love Michael Cammalleri and Jarome Iginla up front, along with Mr. Sloppy Seconds Dion Phaneuf. The goalie battle is interesting here. Nikolai Khabibulin is a skilled veteran, but he will be no match for the Flames Miikka Kiprusoff.
Flames in 7

Semi-Finals

#1 San Jose Sharks vs. #5 Calgary Flames

One thing San Jose is good at is losing in the playoffs when their team is so good. No different here. Love the battle here between Evegni Nabakov and Kiprusoff, but I think once again, Kip wins. Calgary just has so many weapons in their arsenal.
Calgary in 7

#2 Detroit Red Wings vs. #3 Vancouver Canucks

The one problem Vancouver has here is they are playing the Red Wings. Vancouver is a great team who will test the iffy goaltending situation in Chris Osgood and Ty Conklin (UNH represent!), but the Canucks would need an almost flawless performance from Luongo. They won't get it.
Wings in 6

Finals

#2 Detroit Red Wings vs. #5 Calgary Flames

Ooo what a prime matchup here. Both teams feature a slew of great forwards, defensemen and goalies. Detroit is great at putting the puck in the net on the powerplay, but are really weak in the penalty kill department. Calgary are the exact opposite. Not-so-good powerplay and a terrific penalty kill. But, since the pick up of Sam Cassell's brother Olli Jolkien, Calgary has shown some life on the man advantage. That will be key in the close games, and will lead them back to the finals.
Calgary in 7

THE STANLEY CUP FINALS

#1 Boston Bruins vs. #5 Calgary Flames

Ok, so this may be a little bias. Everyone reading this knows I am a major Bruins fan, and it was pretty predictable that I picked them to go to the finals, but what is not to love about this team? They have all the making of a great team; Strong, talented forwards, one of the best blue-line-crew in the league and one of the most terrific goaltenders in the league. Here, though, they will be challenged thoroughly. Calgary has done a great job of taking this team and building it to win championships. With a great backstop guarding the net and a core group of players who fit the system, Calgary scares a lot of teams in the league. The series will be a great one but in the long run, the team with the most heart will win. It will go 7 games and would not be surprised if the finale goes into overtime but...
Bruins in 7

So there ya go. That's the way it will all pan out. If anyone says otherwise, don't believe them. Whether the cup goes like this or not, we all pray that this years playoffs were just as good as last years.

And, in the long run, the Bruins will be back on top for the first time in 37 years.

Where Have All the Bitches Gone?

By Rick Welsch

Right here. no rhyme or reason to this list of hot bitches, just here to make up for all the posts without any recently. don't worry we haven't lost our womanizing ways.

Patricia Silveira

\

Katerina Stikoudi

Tara Conner

Hot Bitch of the Day
Maya Arulpragasam

I dont really care what people say about this one, MIA is fucking hot. Shes headlining Coachella soon and I recommend going if at all possible. And no, the fact that she had a baby does not make her less hot. Maya, you are the Hot Bitch of the Day!

Funniest video ever Library Pervert (notice how in the beginning the security alarm goes off when the black guy goes through, and the interviewer refers to masturbating in the library as having sex in the library.)

here's a new song by The Streets. Two more are to come.
The Streets - I Love My Phone (its legal to download)



American Idol Report
by Conor Levis

I caught last night's American Idol and thought I'd give my opinion. I used to be a big American Idol fan but really haven't been able to keep up with it much the last two seasons. Last night was awesome though because I got to see Quentin Tarantino. Never in a million years did I think I would put on American Idol and see Quentin Tarantino "mentoring" the contestants. This made my night as I watched hoping he would lash out on someone with something like "I want to ask you a question...when you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign in the front that said 'Dead N***** Storage'? DID YOU NOTICE A SIGN THAT SAID DEAD N***** STORAGE!?!" Could you imagine the look on poor Matt Giraud's face?

Unfortunately, Tarantino was about the only good thing to take from last night's episode. Here is my problem...last night's song theme was songs from movies. Think of how many movies have been made over the years and those were the songs they chose to sing? Maybe they only get a short, mild list but I think I've heard "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" close to a thousand times in the 8 seasons of American Idol. That's a realistic number too. The only worthy songs in "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing", "Endless Love", and "Born to Be Wild", were done terribly...especially "Born to be Wild". I know everybody loves Adam Lambert but come on people. How many times do we have to hear him turn a song into Axel Rose karaoke night at the East Side Club? The dude has a lot of talent but I mean listen to the original "Born to Be Wild" by the great Steppenwolf and then his rendition. That song is so badass and should never be sung that way. The contestants need to learn that some artists and songs are just untouchable, and that applies to both John Kay and "Born to Be Wild".

The only good thing about Adam's performace was that he had a lot of energy and it was entertaining. But then again what do I know...I'm just a guy who drinks beer, watches sports and listens to music.

We Dropped the Ball

If you missed the second part of the MLB blog, I apologize for not posting it when I said I would. If you'd like to read that post in it's entirety just scroll down or you can click here. There's a lot more stuff on there than when it was originally posted so check it out!

Who the fuck is Aes Rock?

You might remember this post not too long ago. Rick and I saw Aesop Rock at Plymouth State on Friday night. I want to apologize in advance for what I'm going to tell you.


As you can see, we met Aesop after the show and got a picture...but we didn't get an interview! The sad part is that it never even crossed our minds until my friend Dave suggested it to us later that night. It sucks because he definitely would have given us one. So I just want to apologize on our behalf on not getting an interview with Aesop Rock for you to read. We really dropped the ball on that one.

Other than that though, it was an incredible show. Aesop killed it with his set and did a little of everything. Mostly stuff off of Labor Days and None Shall Pass, which are probably his two best albums. The cool thing about Aesop is that he connects with the audience and he sounds exactly like he does on a record. A lot of times Hip-Hop artists sound different live, but not Aesop. By far one of the best Hip-Hop performances I've seen.

The opening act was great too, an up and coming group from North Carolina named Kooley High. They were good so I'd suggest giving them a listen. We also had a chance to meet and talk to them after the show. They were really cool and would have made for another great interview if we had been on top of things. We had arranged through a friend to meet up with them after the show to chill but plans fell through. They probably would have been a better interview because they're still an unknown group. It would have been a good opportunity for us to introduce new artists. But we're still giving them a plug cause we like them! Visit their website at www.kooleyhigh.com or give them a listen on Myspace. If you like what you hear, get in touch with either me or Rick and we'll hook you up with a demo tape. Here's a little sample of what they sound like.




So what did we learn from this experience? That Aesop Rock is one of the best Hip Hop artists of our time and a really cool guy. Also, from now on Rick and I are going to these concerts prepared, just in case we get a chance like that again. We won't let you down.

Can you feel it? Arrrrrrrgh

Thanks to everyone who has been reading the blog and providing feedback. We've gained over 100 new visitors in the last week. I think that's really cool so thanks. It's no secret that I want to write for a living so I appreciate everything.

There's been something in the air lately, have you felt it? The past week or so has been a strange one. I've had a lot of career opportunities present themselves and I grew facial hair because I think it looks good, not just because I was too lazy to take care of myself! Which of course is always the case. Barack and Kumar go to the White House and a U.S. aid ship and it's captain were captured by pirates. When that story broke on the news today I was so taken aback. But what killed me the most was the photograph Fox News gave us of the captain. It looked like his 1969 black and white senior picture from high school. Did they not have a more recent photograph of this guy? I immediately texted my friend Dave, who loves pirates, to get his thoughts. He loved it. We all did. I wish I was a pirate. I do hope that Captain Richard Phillips is returned safely though.

Want more bizarre? Last weekend I was invited to a joint bachelor/bachelorette party that my 5th grade teacher, who was my 8th grade basketball coach too, would also be attending. I had to respectfully decline because I had already made other plans...but I couldn't help but feel the urge to go and get trashed with my middle school teacher. I think it would easily crack the 15 greatest moments of my life. I don't know what's more pathetic...the fact that I know my 15 greatest moments or that this would have been included in it. Either way, I'm going to say this is not a good thing.

And last but definitely not least, I may or may not be living with a rabie-infested dog. I came home today to find a random puppy running around my house. Apparently a family friend found this puppy roaming the woods earlier today and somehow came to the conclusion to give it to me. How she decided on this I don't think I'll ever know...but it's a really cute female miniature pinscher, looks about a year old. It got along great with my two other dogs so I figured we could keep her for a little until somebody claims it. That is until the dog started foaming at the mouth. Then I find out that a vet said the dog had been foaming at the mouth when she looked at it. Not only that but the dog's nose started leaking snot all over my floor and furniture. When I say leaking, I mean pouring. It wasn't normal and absolutely disgusting. Then I find out the police officer, who brought the dog to the vet, tried to let it go back into the woods. How did the dog foaming at the mouth and the cop trying to put it back in the woods not alarm anybody!? Things like that are not ok. Keep in mind I had been playing with this puppy, as well as my other dogs. Let's just say it's sleeping alone tonight.

But I've come to the conclusion that all of these things happening can only be attributed to one thing...

The 2009 Major League Baseball Season

by Conor Levis

It's because Major League Baseball season is upon us once again. That's right my friends, today's blog is dedicated to baseball and I'm going to give you my ubiased season predictions. This is what I think the league will look like in 2009...

American League

AL East

1. Tampa Bay Rays - They only got better from last year in which they were the best from start to finish. This is the best team in the American League once again. I see the AL East playing out a lot like last year but with the bottom teams (Baltimore and Toronto) becoming more competitive. I just see too many holes with my Red Sox to take them.

2. Boston Red Sox (Wild Card)

3. New York Yankees

4. Toronto Blue Jays

5. Baltimore Orioles

AL Central

1. Chicago White Sox- This division is up for grabs. I think all five teams are very close in talent which is going to make for an interesting race but in the end...the team that has been there before will prevail. That team is the White Sox.

2. Kansas City Royals

3. Minnesota Twins

4.. Cleveland Indians

5. Detroit Tigers

AL West

1. Los Angeles Angels- To me this is one of the worst divisions in baseball. It's going to come down to what team wants it more and like with the AL Central, the Angels have been there. I wouldn't be surprised if any of the bottom four were to take it though.

2. Texas Rangers

3. Oakland Athletics

4. Seattle Mariners

Dark Horse teams:

1. Kansas City Royals - This team is going to make a push in the Central this year. They have an impressive three at the top of their rotation with Gil Meche, Zack Greinke, and Kyle Davies, and a solid core of young hitters who all have breakout potential this season (Alex Gordon, Mike Aviles, Mike Jacobs). I see good things in Kansas City this baseball season.

2. Texas Rangers- A scary offense with the likes of Josh Hamilton, Ian Kinsler, Michael Young, Nelson Cruz, and Chris Davis. It's so good that in a weak division like the AL West, it could be enough to take it.

3. Toronto Blue Jays- A team with a nice mix of youngsters and veterans. I love the middle of their lineup with Alex Rios, Vernon Wells, and Adam Lind. If they can get enough from their ace Roy Halladay and young arms, I can see Toronto making a run at the AL Wild Card this year.

National League

NL East

1. New York Mets- With a new and improved bullpen, the Mets won't have a collapse at the end of this season. The young, talented Marlins are going to make some noise...and knock the defending World Champs out of the Wild Card spot. This will be a fun race to watch play out.

2. Florida Marlins (Wild Card)

3. Philadelphia Phillies

4. Atlanta Braves

5. Washington Nationals

NL Central

1. Chicago Cubs- In my eyes, the Cubs are without a doubt the best team in the National League. There's no questioning that. But the question always becomes...what will go wrong? They should take care of business within the division but with Albert Pujols and the Cardinals, there is always cause for concern.

2. St. Louis Cardinals

3. Milwaukee Brewers

4. Cincinnati Reds

5. Houston Astros

6. Pittsburgh Pirates

NL West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers - I'm not sold on the Dodgers like everyone else. They have the most talent in the divison, but will they put it all together? I think if the Rockies can stay healthy they will make it an interesting race. The Giants are one of my dark horse teams and I just can't figure out the Diamondbacks. I do know one thing though...the Padres stink.

2. Colorado Rockies

3. San Francisco Giants

4. Arizona Diamondbacks

5. San Diego Padres

Dark Horse Teams:

1. Florida Marlins- It seems like every year the young Marlins have a chance to make some noise. This season is especially true behind maybe the best player in the game, Hanley Ramirez, and a great, young rotation that features Ricky Nolasco, Josh Johnson, and Chris Volstad. They are my Wild Card choice.

2. San Francisco Giants- They made some nice veteran acquisitions (Randy Johnson, Edgar Renteria) in the offseason to go with a nice group of young hitters (Pablo Sandoval, Emmanuel Burriss). Along with the reigning NL Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum and number 2 starter Matt Cain...the Giants make for an intriguing pick in the NL West this season.

3. Cincinnati Reds- I like the Reds for all the same reasons I like the Royals. Young hitters like Brandon Phillips, Jay Bruce, and Joey Votto, all primed for breakout years and another solid roation that features comeback candidate Aaron Harang, Edinson Volquez, and Johnny Cueto. I don't think they'll make as much noise because of the strong division they're in...but I do think they will challenge some of the NL's best all season long.

NLCS

New York Mets over Chicago Cubs

ALCS

Tampa Bay Rays over Boston Red Sox

World Series

New York Mets over Tampa Bay Rays - The only thing holding the Mets back the past two seasons and the force behind their late season choke jobs was their bullpen. They went out and got JJ Putz, a former closer and a guy who can slam the door shut late in games, and Francisco Rodriguez...maybe the best closer in the game. They have all the pieces to win it all and I think they'll do it.


Awards

AL MVP - 1. BJ Upton 2. Josh Hamilton T3. Kevin Youkilis T3. Carlos Pena
NL MVP- 1. Hanley Ramirez 2. Albert Pujols 3. David Wright

AL Cy Young- 1. Zach Greinke 2. Felix Hernandez 3. Roy Halladay
NL Cy Young- 1. Johan Santana 2. Dan Haren 3. Josh Johnson

AL Rookie of the Year- 1. David Price 2. Elvis Andrus 3. Matt Wieters
NL Rookie of the Year- 1. Jordan Schafer 2. Cameron Maybin 3. Emilio Bonifacio

AL Breakout Player - 1. Alex Gordon 2. Nelson Cruz 3. Chris Davis 4. Shin-Soo Choo T5. Josh Fields T5. Adam Jones
NL Breakout Player- 1. Jay Bruce 2. Rickie Weeks 3. Chris Volstad 4. Pablo Sandoval T5. Yovanni Gallardo T5. Daniel Murphy

AL Comeback Player- 1. Travis Hafner 2. Jorge Posada 3. Hideki Matsui
NL Comeback Player- 1. Chris Carpenter 2. Jeff Francoeur 3. Aaron Harang